A League of Their Own (1992)

A League of Their Own is really not the right movie to watch when you've just convinced yourself of the futility of human existence.

It's like, why are we here? What's the point? Who am I? And then there's this movie and it seems like it's about living your dream when really it's about DEATH.

Ha ha, kidding it's not all about death. It's only a little about death. 

On it's surface, A League of Their Own is about a time in the USA when so many men were off at war (World War II) that professional baseball was suspended. But, people wanted to make money--I mean take part in our national pastime (gender bias) BASEBALL!

So they decide to let girls (GIRLS) play baseball!

Hilarity ensues.

The main character is Dottie Hinson. What a bitch.

She dresses well, though. When I'm an old lady I want to wear long plaid skirts and keep fresh sunflowers by my bed.

Dottie goes to the reunion for the All American Girls Professional Baseball League and when she steps on the baseball field she looks off in to the distance and she has a stroke, I MEAN, she remembers the year 1943 when she was but a young lady in small town Oregon.

Dottie and her kid sister Kit played on the family Dairy's softball team. Dottie is perfect at everything and she makes sure Kit knows it. She gives Kit condescending lectures right before she goes up to bat.

(This is EXACTLY what I look like while playing Wii baseball.)

Little did these Princess Kays of the Milky Way know, a baseball scout was at the game where Kit was holding the bat like a donkey holds a candy cane and Dottie was the star of the game.

He was quite impressed when Dottie hit the game winning run and he wants her to join the league. I would also like to say that I might need to become the poor man's Jon Lovitz because I could totally be half the actor he is. In fact, I think I already am half the actor he is.

Anyway, he says he only wants Dottie, and Kit is pissed. 

And here's the thing, Dottie is positioned as the hero of the movie, but I think most people would relate to Kit and also Kit is TOTALLY the hero of the movie! Just because she's shorter and not as glamorous as Dottie and she's not the show-off Dottie is on the baseball field, doesn't mean she's not just as super cool and great. OK, yes, she's annoying, but you would also be annoying if Dottie "I'm so great at everything I do, la dee dah, look at me" Hinson was your older sister.

BUT, Kit convinces the scout to let her try out on the condition that she convinces Dottie to try out. She does, after pointing out to Dottie that all she has to do is take a free trip to Chicago so that her little sister can live her dream which should be a no-brainer, but it isn't for Dottie "It's all about me" Hinson--it takes some serious convincing.

On the way to Chicago, they meet Marla Hooch. Marla is an amazing baseball player, but she's not as conventionally pretty as the other girls and almost isn't let on the team. But blah blah, she gets to join the team otherwise there wouldn't be an opportunity for a makeover and validation of Marla's existence via marriage.

The trio arrives at try outs and they see that they have some competition. This will be harder than they thought!

They meet Doris Murphy (Rosie O'Donnell) and her best friend

Mae (Madonna)

And Dottie gives them the stare of "I don't give a fuck."

Sidenote: This is what I will look like when I'm 43 (not the lady at the microphone, but the lady sitting in the middle).

Hey guys, welcome to my TRAINING MONTAGE GIF.

So they post the team rosters...

and they reveal (REVEAL) the uniforms...

and they make the players take etiquette lessons...gif

Drunk Jimmy Dugan (Tom Hanks) is the team manager. This is what I looked like when I realized this movie does not stand the test of time and when viewed as an adult, it is actually pretty dumb. Not bad, not ill-advised, not poorly shot or written, but just dumb (that's the college words way of saying it).

One of the women brings her bratty son to all the away games because her husband doesn't want to take care of him. This is comedy because deadbeat dads are hilarious! And also, any movie about women needs to have children involved. DUH.

 All the girls except Dottie, because she's married and boring, go to a dance club.

They throw some make up,  a dress, and whiskey at Marla and she becomes a pretty love machine/me on a Tuesday night.

One day, when he's not toooo drunk, Jimmy notices that Dottie has been managing the team, so he steps in and is all, yeah, I'll stop drinking now.

I like how these sports movies make alcoholism something that is easily solved by a love of sport.

Alas, the league is in trouble. People just don't want to pay to watch GIRLS PLAY BASEBALL because seriously (hint hint). 

So, during a game when a writer and photographer from LIFE Magazine are in the stands, Dottie pulls a stunt and ta dah! 

The league becomes a success! All thanks to Dottie and her magic splits. GIF!

But tensions are running high between Dottie and Kit. Dottie is treating Kit like shit and Kit doesn't like it. So they get in to a big fight and Dottie decides to leave the team. The league manager asks her to stay so she says she will if he trades her to another team.

He trades Kit instead.

Awwwww HELL NO

This just creates more tension between the sisters because now Kit feels even MORE disposable in the shadow of her sister.

This whole baseball thing was Kit's dream and Dottie is pretty much stepping all over it and then when someone says, "Hey, Dottie, you're being a bitch." Dottie gets all defensive and starts crying and it's like, bish, pleeze.

Things get back to normal until....

Uh oh.

Ohhhhhh no. Betty's husband died in the war and it's fucking sad. It's SAD.

And then do you know what happens?

It becomes all about DOTTIE.

And Dottie's soldier husband who returns the very night Betty found out her husband died.

Dottie shows her respect for her teammates and all they've been through together by quitting the team the day they are heading to the WORLD SERIES.

That's:
A-so not selfish of her
and
B-so not douchy of her husband (wouldn't you be PSYCHED to see your wife play in the World Series?!).

The Rockford Peaches play three games of the series without Dottie and do pretty well (I think it's a best of five series).

But Dottie decides the team needs her and the woman who played all the games without quitting or trying to get traded or alienating family and teammates is forced to step aside so Dottie can play in the game.

THAT'S COOL. NO BIG DEAL.

The game is all tied up. It's intense.

And Kit, who is a pitcher, gets pulled from the game and she is CRUSHED.

This is what Dottie sees when she looks to the other team's bench (oh yeah, Dottie's team, The Rockford Peaches, is playing Kit's team the Racine something or other in the World Series).

It's the ninth inning and Kit is up to bat. Dottie tells the pitcher exactly how to get Kit to strike out. Because winning before blood. And also, Dottie's a bitch.

But Kit sees right through Dottie's scheming and hits a triple! But she decides to make it a home run and she charges Dottie and Dottie drops the ball and Racine wins the World Series!

Because of Kit! Even though she was exhausted (having actually played in the other three games of the series, unlike Dottie) and her sister plotted against her. Kit still managed to get the win.

Yaaay Kit!

This is the look on Kit's face when Dottie says she loves her: Sheer terror.

Meanwhile, back at the reunion, Dottie is all "Stabbing my sister in the back, being a kill joy, deserting my teammates, ahh, those were the days."

Inside the Hall of Fame, Dottie sees her sister, who is surrounded by her family, just like all the other players. Surrounded by family and friends while Dottie is alone because she is a cold bitch who didn't even know if her sister was going to be there. As in she didn't even pick up the phone to call her and say "Hey, you going to the reunion?" Because it's all about Dottie gazing into the distance and reflecting on the good old days when she tried to destroy her little sister's dreams and career lo so many years ago.

THE END.