Friday, May 11, 2012

The Cutting Edge (1992)

Once upon a time there was a hockey player who got a boo-boo on his eyeball and could no longer play hockey (quitter).

Once upon a time there was a pretty lady who fell down and went boom in front of millions spectators and ruined her chance at Olympic gold.

Them's the breaks when you live life on THE CUTTING EDGE

Those terrible Olympics were heartbreaking for these two kids. So it should come as no surprise that two years later Doug, the hockey player, is back to being a blue collar manly man in Minnesota.

And Kate, the fallen figure skater, is back to being a rich snob with her own skating rink. She is also sporting an awesome jacket.

Raise your hand if you were totally jealous of girls who had this jacket in 1992.

that would be me.

So Kate, the figure skater, has a new coach. A very Russian Russian who travels to the wilds of Minnesota to seek out Doug, the blind hockey has-been.

Why, you ask, would the Russian Russian coach go out and ask a has-been hockey player to be a figure skater?

Welllll, Kate is a bitch.

Girl don't play, you know it's true.

As is expected, things don't go well when Kate and Doug attempt to practice together. Kate's dad is ready to give Doug a big check and send him on his way, but Doug is all "I like a challenge."

Thinking he's hot stuff, Doug doesn't anticipate that Kate is, what's the word? Or words, I shall say:

As she kindly demonstrates.


Doug is a good skater. A VERY good skater and he challenges Kate to a friendly little hockey match to prove to her that he is more than a bumbling cave man.

He underestimates Kate's competitive side.

Ah, but they work things out as we see through a sweaty and suggestive training montage.

And at Christmas-time, they exchange gifts. Doug gives Kate an old hockey jersey, his favorite. For it is a gift that says "I like you so much. Sososososososomuch."

At some point around the holidays, Doug goes home to see his family. This is when he needs to come clean and let them know that he had not joined the Merchant Marines, but that he was training as a figure skater.

He goes to his brother's bar in small town Minnesota and finds it filled with regulars.

He leans in close to his brother and he says, "I've been doing a little figure skating."

And one of the older patrons says "Finger Painting?!"

Best. Moment. Ever.

You know, these two crazy kids aren't battling the common obstacles of an inspirational sports movie (dead sibling, physical ailment, lack of resources, blindness, racists, Russian skaters....waitaminute...No, seriously, wait a minute, there will be Russian skaters soon.).

But they do, have the obstacle of SECRET LOVE.

So with the weight of their SECRET LOVE on their shoulders, Doug and Kate find themselves on the road to the OLYMPICS with a pit stop in Chicago and the National Championships.

A lot of shit goes down in Chicago. Kate breaks up with her fiancee and Doug meets Lorie Peckarovski. We hate Lorie Peckarovski.

Don't you just hate Lorie Peckarovski?

Doug and Kate skate the performance of their lives, but their scores are shitty because figure skating is all about politics (as we previously learned in Ice Castles) so they share a solemn moment.

BUT! THEN! One of the other teams falters and Doug and Kate are on their way to the OLYMPICS!

They drink to celebrate!

Kate's never been drunk before and she does what any lady holding a SECRET LOVE for her figures skating partner does. She throws herself at him. Sexually.

But he's a "good guy" and he goes back to his hotel room (alone) where he proceeds to get drunk because he can't deal with his SECRET LOVE for Kate.

So Doug is way drunk

When who should appear at his door but Lorie fucking Peckarovski.

We HATE Lorie Peckarovski.

The next morning, all kinds of hungover, Kate goes to Doug's room to apologize for her behavior the night before when who should open the door but LORIE PECKAROVSKI.

As if their SECRET LOVE and LORIE PECKAROVSKI aren't obstacles enough for these two on their road to the Olympics, a mysterious Russian (TOLD YOU) figure skating duo has emerged. They've received perfect scores at the European championships and now stand between Doug and Kate and their dream of Olympic gold.

Despite their hatred for each other, they have to find a way to beat the Russians. So the Russian Russian coach shows them a new move he's developed. It's called the Pamchenko and it's a CRAZY little trick that could break Kate's neck.

The training sucks, it totally sucks. Kate falls all the time. They just get more and more angry with each other.

They have their first skate at the Olympics (the short program) and Kate feels she's responsible for their poor performance. She's nixed the Pamchenko from their program because it's too dangerous. She yelled at Doug for not fully buttoning his shirt before their program. She's been pretty mean to him and she realizes it. She also says (with her eyes, but you know she says it) that Doug broke her heart and she just can't do it no more.

There is a montage of everyone being sad. Doug is sad because he's coming to terms with his SECRET LOVE just a little too late.

Kate is sad because her LOVE for Doug isn't a SECRET any more.

But these two are professional athletes and the show must go on. So having mildly reconciled enough so they can skate without feeling total contempt for each other, Kate and Doug prepare to hit the ice for the long program.

They are standing at the edge of the ice. The CUTTING EDGE if you will and THIS is when Doug decides to tell Kate he loves her.

And Kate's like, "wut?" and Doug's like, "I LOVE YOU" and Kate's like, "Hi, this is the Olympics."

And they skate! And they do the Pamchenko! And it's a flawless and totally perfect performance!

And we don't find out if they win or lose or whatever!

Because despite all the obstacles in their way, they've won!

They've won at love.

Happy Mother's Day.

1 comment:

  1. Just read your chap book! I saw this website in the "About The Author" section. I really enjoyed your book and if you decided to write in this blog anymore I wouldn't be upset.

    You should check out the movie Pistol. They even have an inspirational edition.