You may be wondering what took me so long. I mean, I said this moving was coming soon and then hours, days, weeks later...nothing. And you may be thinking, "Wow, m.lady really dropped the ball," but I assure you, that's not what happened. What happened was Vision Quest, the most awful crap cinema experience of my life ever. Maybe even worse than Coach Carter. But not quite because Coach Carter is really the worst, but, wow, Vision Quest. It's like having an ear infection, diarrhea, stomach flu, and your period on the same day. Oh, and zombies are knocking down your door and your mom just told you that your dog died.
Daphne Zuniga apologizes for being part of this and also for the overalls.
So, Vision Quest, what's up? What's your deal?
Other than being THE WORST EVER
In Vision Quest, Mathew Modine plays Loudon, an anorexic sex pervert attempted rapist teenager who is also a pretty good wrestler.
On the first day of wrestling practice, he announces that he has dropped from his usual weight of 190 and would like to wrestle Kuch (as played by Michael Schoeffling) to be the top wrestler in a lower weight bracket.
And Kuch is all "Wow, you're a jerk" because Loudon is such a good wrestler that he knows Loudon will win and take away Kuch's place on the team.
But Loudon's real goal is to get to 168 so he can wrestle the best wrestler in the state, some guy named Brian Shute who actually has a body that is meant to be 168 lbs and solid muscle. Whereas Loudon's body looks skeletal already so losing another 10 lbs will be gross.
But Loudon's determined! So he runs all over town in this weight loss suit he bought on QVC (I made that up, but maybe) and he doesn't eat.
Loudon's only friend is the cook at the hotel where Loudon works as a bell boy or room service guy. They arm wrestle every day and they guy is like a mentor to Loudon, but not really because they don't actually talk about anything and Loudon is probably one of the least interesting and creepy characters every put on a movie screen so I don't know that anyone would actually want to take credit for mentoring him.
One day at the hotel, Loudon goes to deliver food and he catches this guy doing Tai Chi and Loudon is all "What are you doing? Can I learn?" and the guy is all "Sure" and then he gets fresh with Loudon's crotch area and Loudon runs away.
But why I'm really telling you this is that during this scene the boom microphone dips into the shot and as a viewer one should really say "Stop. Eject. Return to Netflix. Watch Say Yes to the Dress instead."
But I made a commitment to you, dear reader, and so I stayed awake through most of the rest of the movie.
Aaaaaannnnnnyyyyyyywwwwwwwaaaaaayyyyyy...
Kuch decides he wants to be Loudon's friend because I don't know why. Kuch is obviously way cooler than Loudon. He tells Loudon that he's "part Indian" and he thinks Loudon is on a Vision Quest (we later find out that Kuch is not "part Indian" he just said that to be special which pretty much invalidates the whole "Vision Quest" idea).
If Loudon is indeed on a Vision Quest, he is supposedly doing this to find his true self. It's just too bad that his true self totally stinks and is super lame.
Loudon repays Kuch's friendship and support by kicking his ass.
Through some confusing luck, Loudon meets Carla, a drifter who's car broke down.
Loudon convinces his dad to let Carla stay with them until she gets on her feet.
It turns out they have a guest bedroom with windows and a nice bed and a dresser that Carla can use.
Meanwhile, Loudon sleeps in the basement a few feet away from a water heater.
This is Brian Schute, the best wrestler in the state. He trains by carrying logs up stairs and he doesn't mess around with twirps named Loudon Swain.
Loudon develops a big crush on Carla because, duh, she's real pretty.
God, this movie is awful! Has ANYTHING happened yet?!?!?!?? GAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Loudon thinks he's older than his years. He hangs out at a local bar with one of his teachers.
At the bar Madonna sings in the band.
She sings "Crazy for You" in this scene and then they play the song in every other scene of the entire movie.
I now hate that song.
Blah blah blah, Loudon trains and doesn't eat.
I fell asleep.
I woke up and Loudon was still running.
I assume a training montage happened, but I don't care.
One night, Loudon sees his favorite teacher having dinner with Carla and he gets really jealous. He gets into a fight with Carla and he tries to rape her, but she gets away and is all "You're an asshole!"
Then, in the next scene, Loudon is wrestling...
And he looks in the stands...
...and he sees Carla! Wha?!
She waves because she's there to support him
Okay. Hold up. Hang up the phone. Take a seat. And listen.
It is not okay to try to rape someone. It is actually terrible and abhorrent to try to rape someone.
It is also not okay to date your attempted rapist. I don't know everything in the world. Some relationships are really fucked up.
But.
It's really really really not okay to preface the movie's central romance with an attempted rape.
So, post rape attempt, Loudon and Carla go on a road trip to visit his crazy grandfather:
Then they get back to the house and they are all lovely lovely and then Loudon comes home one day and Carla is gone.
The night of the BIG MATCH, Loudon visits his friend from the hotel and sees that he's getting all gussied up for the match and when Loudon asks what the tie is for, his friend tells a story about seeing Pele do a bicycle kick in a soccer match and how those six minutes brought the whole world together in perfect harmony and blah blah blah THIS MOVIE IS TEARING MY SOUL OUT OF MY BODY THROUGH MY EARS.
Because, let me tell you something guy, LOUDON IS NO PELE.
At the weigh-in, Loudon is missing and his team is all "He'll be here! He'll be here!"
And Kuch gets into a fight with Schute because Schute was going to take the forfeit for Loudon not showing up to the weigh-in which means Loudon is disqualified because sometimes, in life, there are rules.
Kuch calls him a coward, but I would like to point out here that Loudon is the one who didn't show up, thereby making him the coward.
But wait.
He does show up and his emaciated ass makes the weight at exactly 168 lbs.
And Schute is all "I ate a well-balanced breakfast and lunch and you, sir, shall be my dinner."
Then Carla shows up in her high-waisted jeans and tells Loudon that she had to leave because he was losing his focus (and also because she found help and she's really getting her life together because she's a WOMAN DAMMIT and she doesn't need to be with a man, any man, especially a punk high school kid who thinks it's romantic to rape a gal on the first date......okay that didn't really happen, but it should have) and by losing his focus he was hurting his chances at beating Schute (even though no one cares anymore).
So there's some wrestling.
And Loudon wins.
And whoop dee doo. I need to fall down and hit my head so that maybe I forget any of this ever happened.
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