m.lady's Inspirational Sports Movie List

A League of Their Own (1992)

2011-12-08T17:50:00.000-08:00

A League of Their Own is really not the right movie to watch when you've just convinced yourself of the futility of human existence.

It's like, why are we here? What's the point? Who am I? And then there's this movie and it seems like it's about living your dream when really it's about DEATH.

Ha ha, kidding it's not all about death. It's only a little about death.

On it's surface, A League of Their Own is about a time in the USA when so many men were off at war (World War II) that professional baseball was suspended. But, people wanted to make money--I mean take part in our national pastime (gender bias) BASEBALL!

So they decide to let girls (GIRLS) play baseball!

Hilarity ensues.

The main character is Dottie Hinson. What a bitch.

She dresses well, though. When I'm an old lady I want to wear long plaid skirts and keep fresh sunflowers by my bed.

Dottie goes to the reunion for the All American Girls Professional Baseball League and when she steps on the baseball field she looks off in to the distance and she has a stroke, I MEAN, she remembers the year 1943 when she was but a young lady in small town Oregon.

Dottie and her kid sister Kit played on the family Dairy's softball team. Dottie is perfect at everything and she makes sure Kit knows it. She gives Kit condescending lectures right before she goes up to bat.

(This is EXACTLY what I look like while playing Wii baseball.)

Little did these Princess Kays of the Milky Way know, a baseball scout was at the game where Kit was holding the bat like a donkey holds a candy cane and Dottie was the star of the game.

He was quite impressed when Dottie hit the game winning run and he wants her to join the league. I would also like to say that I might need to become the poor man's Jon Lovitz because I could totally be half the actor he is. In fact, I think I already am half the actor he is.

Anyway, he says he only wants Dottie, and Kit is pissed.

And here's the thing, Dottie is positioned as the hero of the movie, but I think most people would relate to Kit and also Kit is TOTALLY the hero of the movie! Just because she's shorter and not as glamorous as Dottie and she's not the show-off Dottie is on the baseball field, doesn't mean she's not just as super cool and great. OK, yes, she's annoying, but you would also be annoying if Dottie "I'm so great at everything I do, la dee dah, look at me" Hinson was your older sister.

BUT, Kit convinces the scout to let her try out on the condition that she convinces Dottie to try out. She does, after pointing out to Dottie that all she has to do is take a free trip to Chicago so that her little sister can live her dream which should be a no-brainer, but it isn't for Dottie "It's all about me" Hinson--it takes some serious convincing.

On the way to Chicago, they meet Marla Hooch. Marla is an amazing baseball player, but she's not as conventionally pretty as the other girls and almost isn't let on the team. But blah blah, she gets to join the team otherwise there wouldn't be an opportunity for a makeover and validation of Marla's existence via marriage.

The trio arrives at try outs and they see that they have some competition. This will be harder than they thought!

They meet Doris Murphy (Rosie O'Donnell) and her best friend

Mae (Madonna)

And Dottie gives them the stare of "I don't give a fuck."

Sidenote: This is what I will look like when I'm 43 (not the lady at the microphone, but the lady sitting in the middle).

Hey guys, welcome to my TRAINING MONTAGE GIF.

So they post the team rosters...

and they reveal (REVEAL) the uniforms...

and they make the players take etiquette lessons...gif

Drunk Jimmy Dugan (Tom Hanks) is the team manager. This is what I looked like when I realized this movie does not stand the test of time and when viewed as an adult, it is actually pretty dumb. Not bad, not ill-advised, not poorly shot or written, but just dumb (that's the college words way of saying it).

One of the women brings her bratty son to all the away games because her husband doesn't want to take care of him. This is comedy because deadbeat dads are hilarious! And also, any movie about women needs to have children involved. DUH.

All the girls except Dottie, because she's married and boring, go to a dance club.

They throw some make up, a dress, and whiskey at Marla and she becomes a pretty love machine/me on a Tuesday night.

One day, when he's not toooo drunk, Jimmy notices that Dottie has been managing the team, so he steps in and is all, yeah, I'll stop drinking now.

I like how these sports movies make alcoholism something that is easily solved by a love of sport.

Alas, the league is in trouble. People just don't want to pay to watch GIRLS PLAY BASEBALL because seriously (hint hint).

So, during a game when a writer and photographer from LIFE Magazine are in the stands, Dottie pulls a stunt and ta dah!

The league becomes a success! All thanks to Dottie and her magic splits. GIF!

But tensions are running high between Dottie and Kit. Dottie is treating Kit like shit and Kit doesn't like it. So they get in to a big fight and Dottie decides to leave the team. The league manager asks her to stay so she says she will if he trades her to another team.

He trades Kit instead.

Awwwww HELL NO

This just creates more tension between the sisters because now Kit feels even MORE disposable in the shadow of her sister.

This whole baseball thing was Kit's dream and Dottie is pretty much stepping all over it and then when someone says, "Hey, Dottie, you're being a bitch." Dottie gets all defensive and starts crying and it's like, bish, pleeze.

Things get back to normal until....

Uh oh.

Ohhhhhh no. Betty's husband died in the war and it's fucking sad. It's SAD.

And then do you know what happens?

It becomes all about DOTTIE.

And Dottie's soldier husband who returns the very night Betty found out her husband died.

Dottie shows her respect for her teammates and all they've been through together by quitting the team the day they are heading to the WORLD SERIES.

That's:
A-so not selfish of her
and
B-so not douchy of her husband (wouldn't you be PSYCHED to see your wife play in the World Series?!).

The Rockford Peaches play three games of the series without Dottie and do pretty well (I think it's a best of five series).

But Dottie decides the team needs her and the woman who played all the games without quitting or trying to get traded or alienating family and teammates is forced to step aside so Dottie can play in the game.

THAT'S COOL. NO BIG DEAL.

The game is all tied up. It's intense.

And Kit, who is a pitcher, gets pulled from the game and she is CRUSHED.

This is what Dottie sees when she looks to the other team's bench (oh yeah, Dottie's team, The Rockford Peaches, is playing Kit's team the Racine something or other in the World Series).

It's the ninth inning and Kit is up to bat. Dottie tells the pitcher exactly how to get Kit to strike out. Because winning before blood. And also, Dottie's a bitch.

But Kit sees right through Dottie's scheming and hits a triple! But she decides to make it a home run and she charges Dottie and Dottie drops the ball and Racine wins the World Series!

Because of Kit! Even though she was exhausted (having actually played in the other three games of the series, unlike Dottie) and her sister plotted against her. Kit still managed to get the win.

Yaaay Kit!

This is the look on Kit's face when Dottie says she loves her: Sheer terror.

Meanwhile, back at the reunion, Dottie is all "Stabbing my sister in the back, being a kill joy, deserting my teammates, ahh, those were the days."

Inside the Hall of Fame, Dottie sees her sister, who is surrounded by her family, just like all the other players. Surrounded by family and friends while Dottie is alone because she is a cold bitch who didn't even know if her sister was going to be there. As in she didn't even pick up the phone to call her and say "Hey, you going to the reunion?" Because it's all about Dottie gazing into the distance and reflecting on the good old days when she tried to destroy her little sister's dreams and career lo so many years ago.

THE END.

Coming Soon

2011-12-01T23:48:00.000-08:00

Hoosiers (1986)

2011-10-03T22:36:00.000-07:00

Hey gang, what I'm about to say is going to blow your mind, so get ready..... "Hoosiers" has a lot of basketball in it. Like, A LOT OF BASKETBALL.

It's probably 15% drama scenes 176% basketball scenes.

The "drama" parts are pretty dumb and half-assed but the basketball parts are plentiful and include white-knuckle suspense.

Let' s just say it's the "You Got Served" of Basketball movies. That's not a bad thing. "You Got Served" is an AWESOME movie:

"Hoosiers" is a...um...it's okay. (Don't argue with me, I'm right about this.)

"Hoosiers" is the (duh) based on a true story movie about a small town basketball team that defies the odds to become (spoiler alert!) state champions!

And this guy is recruited to coach the team. He has a shady past and I question his intelligence what with his choice to drink an open-topped hot beverage while driving.

Barbara Hershey is a teacher who takes one look at Gene Hackman and says to herself "This dude is a loser. La-hoo-za-her."

And just like in that crap-fest Radio...or was it Remember the Titans? No, it was Radio, definitely Radio, the townsfolk gather in the barber shop to harass the local coach. Word to the wise: If you are interested in coaching a high school sports team, stay away from the local barbershop.

Is it just me, or is that deer totally giving that guy the side-eye?

What a rag-tag bunch of misfits. (Speaking of Misfits, that show is SO GOOD. You should watch it.)

This is what training montages looked like in the 50s.

So, there are some sub-plots, let's round them up:

Town drunk:

Student who is extraordinarily talented, but refuses to play for some mysterious reason (he's focusing on his academics, what a fool):

The student's name is Jimmy.

Hi Jimmy.

Hi.

Hey.

And Gene Hackman's friend/the school principal is sick in bed so Barbara Hershey takes over. That happened too. That's it, no other plot points that will mysteriously show up out of nowhere and make you throw up a little in your mouth.

So, anyway...

Basketball

I forgot to say that shots of the scoreboard make up about 26% of the movie.

Basketball

What a fucking hipster.

Basketball

So, in the middle of the movie, Gene Hackman gets an idea and decides to invite this Dennis Hopper's character, an alcoholic who hides in the woods with this shotgun, to help him coach teenagers.

Super! This will go swimmingly!

At the next game, Dennis Hopper shows up in a suit and everyone is all "Whaaaa? Isn't that the alcoholic who hides in the woods with a shotgun? Oh well, let's let him coach our teenage sons at basketball. What could go wrong?!"

Basketball

Hi Jimmy.

Hi.

Oh, right, also the townsfolk don't like this new coach and they want him fired. So they call a town meeting where they will vote on his fate. And, for some reason, despite no signs that she finds him to be even remotely attractive as a human, Barbara Hershey cries when she asks the townsfolk not to fire the coach. I see where this is going and I don't. Like. It.

Then, right as their voting to fire the coach, Jimmy (Hi Jimmy) shows up and says he'll only return to basketball if the coach stays. WHERE DID THIS COME FROM?!

Jimmy, I'd really prefer it if you focused on learning to play "Satellite" on the guitar and writing poetry about snow and trains.

Basketball

Turns out a nice suit and a handshake isn't enough to keep a shotgun-toting alcoholic sober, so Gene Hackman has to continually find new and interesting ways to keep Dennis Hopper on the wagon.

The team starts winning and everyone likes the coach because winning is all that matters.

Basketball

Oh, hey, look at that!

They made it to the Sectional Finals! That means this team is one step away from going to State!

Ruh roh, who could have seen this coming? Dennis Hopper shows up drunk to a game, starts a fight, and gets kicked out of the arena, embarrassing his son who is one of the players and the only one who saw this coming.

Basketball

Scoreboard

Side note: This movie takes place in 1951, but was released in 1986. Looking at the hairstyles on these extras, there's no way anyone would have guessed. No way. No how. Those mullet perms just scream 1951.

Thank God they finally included a few scoreboard shots otherwise I would have been completely lost.

At one point, Gene Hackman and Dennis Hopper's son find Dennis Hopper in the woods with his shotgun (NO WAY) and they put him in the hospital to sober him up. (Ahh, yes, maybe a better idea than pursuing sobriety through a high-pressure basketball coaching gig.)

Slow clap = necessary.

Hi Jimmy.

Guess what:

Basketball

Scoreboards

Basketball

At one point, a guy gets kicked out of the game and the short, adorable guy who never plays, just warms the bench is put in the game.

I thought this actor was awesome so I looked him up and-

Dammit! Scoreboards! Quit interrupting!

Anyway, it turns out, he was actually a really good basketball player in real life, so he was acting like a bad athlete.

And also, he shot baskets granny style.

Seriously?

Oh, yay! Little guy made the game winning shot! Yay! They won!

They're going to the State Championships! Wow!

Out of nowhere, Gene Hackman and Barbara Hershey decide they're in love. Great. That totally makes sense because of no reason at all.

The only thing I like about this scene is that they actually look like people on a farm in Indiana. If this was made in 2011, she'd be wearing cut-off jean shorts and he'd be Kellan Lutz.

The state championship is at this arena. Wow, that's a big arena. Gene Hackman does a big show of demonstrating that the court is the same size as any other court. So, you know, no big deal.

Basketball

Scoreboard

Basketball

And then, it all comes down to one shot...

Hey Jimmy

And Jimmy makes the shot! And they win!

They win!

Why so smug? She's totally turning into one of those ladies who calls her boyfriend "Babe" and says crap like "We don't like television, do we Babe? We only watch foreign films, right Babe? Babe, hey Babe, can you pass the grape leaves?"

The movie ends with a shot of the winning team. I find this annoying.

I find this annoying because the movie is based on an actual small-town team from Indiana that became the first small-town team to win the State Championship. As any inspirational sports movie fan knows, you end the movie with a shot of the actual team. Not some dummy picture of the actors playing the real team.

mlady: Come on Jimmy, let's get out of here. I'm sick of basketball and scoreboards.

Jimmy: Me too. Hey, I know a place where we can listen to My Bloody Valentine and read David Berman poetry to each other.

mlady: Dreamy.

.

Coming Soon

2011-09-29T10:53:00.000-07:00

Hey, what's up? Been a while.

I moved across the country and spent a few months upping my score on my Wii Tennis, but now I'm ready to get real.

It's (almost) time for HOOSIERS:

Remember the Titans (2000)

2011-02-17T12:08:00.000-08:00

Remember the Titans is like one of those now-extinct long-distance commercials. It's sole purpose is to make you have FEELINGS and CRY.

And DANCE. It's a football movie AND a dance movie.

According to whoever wrote all the Wikipedia entries, this movie is VERY loosely based on a true story.

Remember the Titans is about a high school football team that was the only integrated football team in their conference. They overcame their differences to become champions. That is why we need to:

Sort of, because this movie is filled with LIES.

Not really. Kidding. Just remembering them with a Disney-twist on the truth. And who can argue with that? I can't. I'm a sucker for this shit.

This guy is Bill Yoast, for years he's led the Alexandria High School football teams to many winning seasons. But he's fired, err, demoted so the newly integrated school can have a black football coach.

Can you really say no to Denzel? No. No you cannot. Denzel plays Herman Boone, the new head coach of the TC Williams High Football team. At first, he doesn't want the job because that would mean taking the job away from someone who deserved it more. But then, he realizes that coaching this team is about a lot more than football.

The white students aren't happy with the change in their lives because they're racist assholes and they don't mind making that public knowledge. Coach Boone doesn't make being a Bad Ass for all to see and he knocks this kid, Gerry Bertier, down a peg or 263. (CAN I JUST SAY, that of all I've read about this movie and the real story behind it, not a single mention of Gerry Bertier being a jerk. All of the articles and notes and all that say that he was an incredible football player and a wonderful person too.)

On the way to football summer camp, Coach Boone makes the black and white students sit together, because, along with wanting to create the Best High School Football Team in the History of the WORLD, he wants to create unity between these young men.

FOOTBALL

The coach also makes the players get to know each other on a personal basis. But it's not really working out because everyone still hates each other.

So the coach takes them on a long run....

To the field where the Battle of Gettysburg took place. It is very inspirational.

A hippie kid with TOTALLY NATURAL hair shows up to football summer camp.

They let him join the team, but he has to cut his hair, which is really not a tragedy because that hair was busted.

Gradually, throughout the course of two weeks and lots of lessons about life and teamwork, the players form valuable friendships.

And they become a team.

But, while these kids have changed their way of seeing the world, the world hasn't changed the way it sees these kids. On the first day of integrated school, an angry mob is screaming at the students.

But nothing stops FOOTBALL.

Or racists.

The coach finds out that if he loses even one game he'll be fired.

Meanwhile, the team members take it upon themselves to restore the unity they found at football summer camp. They gather together to come up with a choreographed dance to warm up before the next game.

Hellooooo inspirational football dance movie.

Ahh, but not all the guys on the team had a change of heart at football summer camp. One player purposely misses a block so the quarterback gets injured.

And everyone's favorite hippie steps in to lead the team to a WIN.

As it becomes obvious that Coach Boone is leading the team to an undefeated season, the old white men in the town come up with a plan to fix the Regional championship game so the kids lose and Coach Boone gets fired.

The plan is arranged so Coach Yoast would become head coach again. Coach Yoast catches on to what's going on and, knowing his place in the Virginia High School Football Hall of Fame is on the line, he tells the ref to stop cheating and call an honest game--thereby losing his Hall of Fameness.

Of course the TC Williams kids win and all is good with the world.

As he is celebrating the win, Gerry Bertier, who has become the heart of the team, forgets to look both ways and he gets in a car accident.

At the hospital, he will only see Julius, his former enemy who has become his best friend and brother from another mother.

So, here we are. State Championships. WHO'S GOING TO WIN?!

Gerry is watching from the hospital and it's really moving and teary.

OF COURSE THEY WIN

Yaaaaay!

Waitaminute.... Why so many sad faces?

The movie ends with the funeral of Gerry Bertier, who died in another car accident ten years after the events of the movie. Way to be a downer, Remember the Titans.

Wildcats (1986)

2010-12-22T23:15:00.000-08:00

After the soul-crush that was "Vision Quest," I needed to find a film that could restore my faith in this genre that I love.

That film was Wildcats.

Damn, this movie is good.

Also, it gave us Woody Harrelson and Wesley Snipes in their film debuts. They later reunited for "White Men Can't Jump" which you KNOW I love.

All I have to say, is when Wesley gets done with jail or probation or whatever, he needs to give Woody a call because these two together are TOTALLY Meg Ryan/Tom Hanks circa "Sleepless in Seattle."

Wildcats is a movie about Molly McGrath a football genius trapped in Goldy Hawn's body--she's pretty much a wolf in sheep's clothing, ya dig?

When there's an opening for the job of JV football coach at the school where she is the girl's track coach, Molly jumps at the opportunity.

But this jackwad is the Varsity coach and in charge of the hiring process.

He doesn't want to give Molly the job because he's jealous of her athletic genius...

And her hair.

Coach Jackwad arranges for Molly to get a job coaching varsity football in this neighborhood.

CHICAGO! My kinda town!

What a rag-tag bunch of underdogs.

Nothing says BADASS like a shower cap.

Molly does her best, but the dumb team doesn't like her because:

A. She's blond

and

B. She's a girl.

They even vandalize her office and break her dad's stopwatch. Which really really sucks.

But Molly doesn't back down, she challenges the team to a race-type thing. They will run until they drop. Whoever is the last one standing wins. The team versus Molly. If Molly loses, she quits. If she wins, they have to play by her rules.

And then Molly is all "BTW, I ran the Boston Marathon....TWICE" (suckas)

Having won her little two-headed quarter bet, Molly proceeds to kick ass.

Oh, hello training montage, it's been a while. I missed you soooo.

Wildcats cheerleaders = the best ever.

So Molly starts this new job all scared of the bad neighborhood, but over time she realizes that these kids are pretty great and they're just getting a bad rap. No one believes in these kids, even her ex husband who is so classist that he thinks Molly just being in the presence of poor people will corrupt their daughters. He goes to court to try to take custody away.

Let me just say that if my mom coaching the varsity football team at a rough high school means I will acquire awesome style and eventually evolve into a Teen Witch/Twin Peaks/Psych cast member then I say, Mom, grab the playbook!

Molly is met with a TON of opposition. It's not easy being a lady and a football genius at the same time. There are a lot of jackwads who just don't understand.

This guy is real smart. Finch makes all the football players pay him for papers. He's also got a bad gambling habit and makes people pay him for everything. Molly gets Finch to join the team after one of hits bets goes awry and a player gets injured. I assure you, his role on the team will soon be crucial to the story.

Just when things are looking up (the team made it to the Championship! or something like that!), Molly's lawyer tells her that the ex has a court date to get full custody of the kids.

The ex has a pretty good case because after a victory party for the team, Molly's daughter got WASTED.

But, see, all was not terrible. One of the players drove her home and stayed there until Molly got back. Which is really responsible behavior for a teenager. Also, he groped his girlfriend on Molly's couch, but tomato/tomato, ya know?

The team gets all dressed up and they go to court to try to vouch for Molly, but instead they fuck it up and start swearing and the judge goes "YOU THINK YOU'RE BAD?! SIT DOWN"

So, in order to keep her kids, Molly makes a deal to quit the Wildcats and become the head Phys Ed teacher at a posh all girls school.

Her husband, feeling all douchy about being a douche, tells her it's okay if she coaches the final game of the season, which just happens to be the CHAMPIONSHIP GAME against HER RIVAL the Jackwad of yore who wouldn't give her a job as JV coach.

The other team is really mean, they play dirty and they smell bad.

And Molly's team isn't even trying. They're dropping the ball (PUN INTENDED) and missing passes and blocks.

At halftime Molly realizes that the team is giving up because they think she's a quitter. Why? Because she caved to her husband when she said she'd quit coaching football.

But you know what? Molly is not a quitter!

She tells her husband she's not quitting, because she's great at her job and she's proud of her team and, most of all, she's not going to set an example for her daughters that they have to compromise their family for their dreams.

Her ex agrees, because as dumb as he's been, he realizes that Molly is pretty awesome and just the kind of mom his kids need.

Can I just take a moment to say, Goldie Hawn is super-great! This movie and Private Benjamin are SO GOOD. I really wish she was in more movies.

Anyway, back to football...

The Wildcats make a comeback!

Yaaaay!

Remember Finch? Because his allegiance is to ca$h money and not his team, he goes to the other coach to chat. He's all, "You look like an ass because you're losing. Give me ten dollars and I'll help you win." (Not a direct quote.)

But coach jackwad, because he's so angry and distracted, calls the kid fat. Which is not cool.

So he goes to back to Molly and he says "Put me in coach!"

And she does....and you know something big is going to happen....

........Final moments........

........Final kick.......

........If they make this, the bad guys win.....

........If they miss....The Wildcats win.......

What the bad guys don't know is that Finch is seeking revenge.

.........Will he block the kick?........

.........The anticipation is killing me!........

Of course he blocks the kick!

And the Wildcats return the block for a TOUCHDOWN!

YAAAAY!!

YAAAAAAY!

YAAAAAY!

Coming Soon....Instead

2010-12-22T20:41:00.000-08:00

Due to technical difficulties/laziness instead of Remember the Titans, the next movie will be....WILDCATS!

I have not forgotten you/Coming Soon

2010-12-05T10:47:00.000-08:00

So long, I've been gone, and I'm sorry for that.

It's just that the experience of watching "Vision Quest" was quite traumatic and I needed a break.

But have no fear, the Netflix has arrived!

Coming Soon:

Vision Quest (1985)

2010-11-16T22:56:00.000-08:00

You may be wondering what took me so long. I mean, I said this moving was coming soon and then hours, days, weeks later...nothing. And you may be thinking, "Wow, m.lady really dropped the ball," but I assure you, that's not what happened. What happened was Vision Quest, the most awful crap cinema experience of my life ever. Maybe even worse than Coach Carter. But not quite because Coach Carter is really the worst, but, wow, Vision Quest. It's like having an ear infection, diarrhea, stomach flu, and your period on the same day. Oh, and zombies are knocking down your door and your mom just told you that your dog died.

Daphne Zuniga apologizes for being part of this and also for the overalls.

So, Vision Quest, what's up? What's your deal?

Other than being THE WORST EVER

In Vision Quest, Mathew Modine plays Loudon, an anorexic sex pervert attempted rapist teenager who is also a pretty good wrestler.

On the first day of wrestling practice, he announces that he has dropped from his usual weight of 190 and would like to wrestle Kuch (as played by Michael Schoeffling) to be the top wrestler in a lower weight bracket.

And Kuch is all "Wow, you're a jerk" because Loudon is such a good wrestler that he knows Loudon will win and take away Kuch's place on the team.

But Loudon's real goal is to get to 168 so he can wrestle the best wrestler in the state, some guy named Brian Shute who actually has a body that is meant to be 168 lbs and solid muscle. Whereas Loudon's body looks skeletal already so losing another 10 lbs will be gross.

But Loudon's determined! So he runs all over town in this weight loss suit he bought on QVC (I made that up, but maybe) and he doesn't eat.

Loudon's only friend is the cook at the hotel where Loudon works as a bell boy or room service guy. They arm wrestle every day and they guy is like a mentor to Loudon, but not really because they don't actually talk about anything and Loudon is probably one of the least interesting and creepy characters every put on a movie screen so I don't know that anyone would actually want to take credit for mentoring him.

One day at the hotel, Loudon goes to deliver food and he catches this guy doing Tai Chi and Loudon is all "What are you doing? Can I learn?" and the guy is all "Sure" and then he gets fresh with Loudon's crotch area and Loudon runs away.

But why I'm really telling you this is that during this scene the boom microphone dips into the shot and as a viewer one should really say "Stop. Eject. Return to Netflix. Watch Say Yes to the Dress instead."

But I made a commitment to you, dear reader, and so I stayed awake through most of the rest of the movie.

Aaaaaannnnnnyyyyyyywwwwwwwaaaaaayyyyyy...

Kuch decides he wants to be Loudon's friend because I don't know why. Kuch is obviously way cooler than Loudon. He tells Loudon that he's "part Indian" and he thinks Loudon is on a Vision Quest (we later find out that Kuch is not "part Indian" he just said that to be special which pretty much invalidates the whole "Vision Quest" idea).

If Loudon is indeed on a Vision Quest, he is supposedly doing this to find his true self. It's just too bad that his true self totally stinks and is super lame.

Loudon repays Kuch's friendship and support by kicking his ass.

Through some confusing luck, Loudon meets Carla, a drifter who's car broke down.

Loudon convinces his dad to let Carla stay with them until she gets on her feet.

It turns out they have a guest bedroom with windows and a nice bed and a dresser that Carla can use.

Meanwhile, Loudon sleeps in the basement a few feet away from a water heater.

This is Brian Schute, the best wrestler in the state. He trains by carrying logs up stairs and he doesn't mess around with twirps named Loudon Swain.

Loudon develops a big crush on Carla because, duh, she's real pretty.

God, this movie is awful! Has ANYTHING happened yet?!?!?!?? GAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Loudon thinks he's older than his years. He hangs out at a local bar with one of his teachers.

At the bar Madonna sings in the band.

She sings "Crazy for You" in this scene and then they play the song in every other scene of the entire movie.

I now hate that song.

Blah blah blah, Loudon trains and doesn't eat.

I fell asleep.

I woke up and Loudon was still running.

I assume a training montage happened, but I don't care.

One night, Loudon sees his favorite teacher having dinner with Carla and he gets really jealous. He gets into a fight with Carla and he tries to rape her, but she gets away and is all "You're an asshole!"

Then, in the next scene, Loudon is wrestling...

And he looks in the stands...

...and he sees Carla! Wha?!

She waves because she's there to support him

Okay. Hold up. Hang up the phone. Take a seat. And listen.

It is not okay to try to rape someone. It is actually terrible and abhorrent to try to rape someone.

It is also not okay to date your attempted rapist. I don't know everything in the world. Some relationships are really fucked up.

But.

It's really really really not okay to preface the movie's central romance with an attempted rape.

So, post rape attempt, Loudon and Carla go on a road trip to visit his crazy grandfather:

Then they get back to the house and they are all lovely lovely and then Loudon comes home one day and Carla is gone.

Maybe she realized she was dating a psychopath.

The night of the BIG MATCH, Loudon visits his friend from the hotel and sees that he's getting all gussied up for the match and when Loudon asks what the tie is for, his friend tells a story about seeing Pele do a bicycle kick in a soccer match and how those six minutes brought the whole world together in perfect harmony and blah blah blah THIS MOVIE IS TEARING MY SOUL OUT OF MY BODY THROUGH MY EARS.

Because, let me tell you something guy, LOUDON IS NO PELE.

At the weigh-in, Loudon is missing and his team is all "He'll be here! He'll be here!"

And Kuch gets into a fight with Schute because Schute was going to take the forfeit for Loudon not showing up to the weigh-in which means Loudon is disqualified because sometimes, in life, there are rules.

Kuch calls him a coward, but I would like to point out here that Loudon is the one who didn't show up, thereby making him the coward.

But wait.

He does show up and his emaciated ass makes the weight at exactly 168 lbs.

And Schute is all "I ate a well-balanced breakfast and lunch and you, sir, shall be my dinner."

Then Carla shows up in her high-waisted jeans and tells Loudon that she had to leave because he was losing his focus (and also because she found help and she's really getting her life together because she's a WOMAN DAMMIT and she doesn't need to be with a man, any man, especially a punk high school kid who thinks it's romantic to rape a gal on the first date......okay that didn't really happen, but it should have) and by losing his focus he was hurting his chances at beating Schute (even though no one cares anymore).

So there's some wrestling.

And Loudon wins.

And whoop dee doo. I need to fall down and hit my head so that maybe I forget any of this ever happened.

Coming Soon

2010-11-08T07:52:00.000-08:00

Thrashin' (1986)

2010-10-29T16:13:00.000-07:00

In this totally tubular flick, Corey, a wicked skater, goes from having really porny conversations with this bird, Chrissy (who is a total Betty), to throwin' some truly sick moves on his board. Oh, and Chrissy's brother, Hook, is a major narbo with a rat tail.

Suffice it to say (Suffice to say?), this movie is flash primo to the max.

In Thrashin', a gem of classic cinema, Corey moves to Venice Beach, California for the summer. He's training for a big downhill skateboarding race and, if he wins, he'll get sponsorships and pretty much be able to become a pro-skateboarder.

Corey's friends let him stay in their "Guest House" which is, doi, an RV.

Skateboarding is totally choice.

This is the villain of the movie. His name is HOOK. He has a Rat Tail. He cuts the sleeves off his clothing. He is BAD as in BAD BAD and not Good Bad. Also, for the first half of the movie, Hook was called Monk, and then he was Hook, and then Monk and it was never explained why.

Annnnywaaaaaayyyyyy.

Hook is so BAD, this man shakes his fist at the rag-tag gang called the Daggers, led by Hook.

So, one day, at the beach, Corey spots this girl:

Check out the bang wave.

Corey is like, "Whoa."

But, what Corey doesn't know is that girl, Chrissy, with the PERFECT 80s bangs is the sister of his nemesis.

All the skaters hang out at a skater bar where the Red Hot Chili Peppers play and act not at all like they know what drugs are (Just Say No!).

The bar gets really rowdy so Corey takes Chrissy's hand and they go running and laughing away from all the crazy moshing and youthful play going on inside.

When Chrissy gets home the next morning her brother is pissssssed.

(Rat tail.)

To get revenge on Corey for dating Hook's sister, some of the guys from the Dagger gang throw crap on the surface where Corey is skating during a competition.

Really really not cool, dudes.

This movie is 20% talking and plot and 80% Cluuuuuuuutch!

Some enchanted evening, in his RV, Corey and Chrissy are talking about his potential skateboard endorsement deal. He drew this picture to put on the skateboard he designs. He's really excited to show Chrissy:

Hang on, let me make that bigger so you can truly see Corey's work:

Yup, it's a naked woman in the clutches of a spider.

Upon seeing this drawing Chrissy says, "Do you want to be held like that?"

And Corey says, "Well, yeah."

And Chrissy says, "Do you want to be grabbed like that?"

And Corey, picking up that this is totally a scene stolen from the first three pages of a porn script says, "Yeah!"

This sex scene wasn't so much a sex scene as it was several minutes of cray cray.

Owing partly to the fact that this song is playing throughout the scene, one feels rewarded! It's just that so many scenes in the first half of this movie seem sort of porno-rific that for the movie to actually almost go there is quite satisfying (but not like that).

After the sex, Corey takes Chrissy home (and somehow, her bangs are still perfect!).

Hook and his gang see Corey in their neighborhood and they FREAK OUT and chase Corey all over town.

Corey manages to get on a bus and Hook chases him.

In this charming ensemble, you too can be chic yet threatening. All for the low low price of your dignity.

Corey manages to evade Hook and the Daggers, so they retaliate by burning down the ramp that Corey's friends built.

The next day, there's some fighting and Hook goes totally house on some guy!

Corey and Hook decide to settle things with a JOUST. Which is a skateboarding duel.

Chrissy is all "Don't do it! You'll get hurt! What about your endorsement?!"

And Corey is all "You don't understand!"

I would just like to take a moment to point out the high class and fahncy fahncy beverage choices of the Daggers.

They drink "Beer."

Hook prepares for the JOUST by applying really impressive eye makeup.

This reminds me of something:

So, in the JOUST the skaters go at each other with bags full of rocks. And they hit each other until something breaks.

This also reminds me of something:

The JOUST turns into an all-out fight and Hook breaks Corey's arm.

With only a few days until the big downhill race (which, if he wins, gets Corey a big endorsement/sponsorship deal), Corey gets to training (montage!).

Chrissy, because she was mad at Corey for fighting or Jousting or whatever, decides to leave town. But then she changes her mind and hitchhikes back to Venice Beach.

Meanwhile, the race is going on and people are wiping out all over the place!

Finally, it's down to Corey v. Hook.

When, ruh roh! Hook's stunt double takes a stumble and he's out of the race.

And Corey wins! Righteous!

Chrissy made it back just in time to see Corey win and get the endorsement. Then, Hook congratulates Corey. You see, they're cool now because Hook just wants his sister to be happy and also Corey is a sick skater so, you know, that's pretty ok.

The end. Let's jam. This Popsicle stand is full of Stellas and I've got some boss plans for my night.

Later days and Better Lays, ya Herbs.

Coming Soon

2010-10-23T12:06:00.000-07:00

Chariots of Fire (1981)

2010-10-14T20:48:00.000-07:00

Chariots of Fire is the story of two runners. One a devout Christian and the other a determined Jewish man. That's pretty much what the IMDB description is anyway.

Really, watching the movie is more like being really excited to open your birthday presents because one of the presents is HUGE and then opening the wrapping and no, it's not the American Girls Samantha doll. It is a sleeping bag.

Let's go camping!

It seems that the appearance of one-eyed men is a running theme in Inspirational Sports Movies.

These two guys are kind of like the old guys in the Muppets balcony who observe and comment on everything.

In his early days at Cambridge, Harold Abrahams finds out about a race at the school. The challenge is to run around the square before the clock finishes ringing 12.

He does it and apparently is is the first student ever to finish within the 12 chimes.

Meanwhile, in Scotland, Eric Liddell is a minor star in the world of running and, I think, Rugby too. Both Eric and his sister are very religious as their parents were missionaries.

Meanwhile at Cambridge, Harold and his roommate are having tea by a fire in their dorm room. Oh, COLLEGE. Nothing ever changes.

Harold becomes a track star and soon sets his sights on the Olympics.

He also joins the Gilbert and Sullivan society and gets really into the singing.

Harold goes to a race to check out his main competition: Eric Liddell.

In the middle of the race, Eric gets knocked down.

He gets up and starts sprinting, trying to catch up.

And, what do you know, he wins! It's a pretty spectacular race.

When Harold and Eric finally do meet before a race against each other, Harold is convinced he'll win, despite the fact that Eric has shown that he's pretty much the best runner in the UK.

On your mark. Get set.

Oh no! Harold loses and Eric wins and Harold is crushed over it.

A really great running coach comes along and offers to coach Harold. He believes he can help Harold cut seconds off his time.

Super long Training Montage!

Back in Scotland, Eric's sister is disappointed that he's missing prayer meetings and stuff because of his training. He explains to her that running is his way of expressing his faith.

Back at Cambridge the two old men confront Harold and tell him that they think it's not cool that he has a private coach, even though that's not against the rules at all. They're just doing this because he's Jewish and they don't like him very much.

But Harold's girlfriend likes him. As he's getting ready to get on the boat to go to France she's all, "I believe in you!" kiss kiss

Going to the Olympics on a boat is SO MUCH FUN, especially if you're Jane Russell.

But not all is fun and good times. Eric has found out that the qualifying heats for the 100m dash are on a Sunday. He decides not to run because that would be against his religious convictions. It's a tough decision.

Helllooooo Olympics!

At some fancy party for the athletes, the track coach and, I think the Prince of England?!, try to pursuade Eric to run the race because they tell him his country is more important than his god. And Eric is all "nope," but he is Saved By the Bell, when one of his teammates, who has already won a medal, offers Eric his place in the 400m race.

So how did this:

Become this:

???

On the Sunday of the qualifying heats, Eric goes to church and gives a talk and everyone is really moved by it.

I'm sorry if this recap is less than enthusiastic. This movie was really boring! It just kept going and going and the characters are all really wooden and two-dimensional and the running scenes aren't even that suspensful. The only good part of this movie was Ian Holm! I love Ian Holm! Ian Charleson was good too, but his part was too angelic for my taste. Still, go Ian and Ian! Boo to the boring rest of the movie!

Back to the "action."

What's nice is that Eric shows up for the final race to support Harold. Must've been hard because this is the race he had been training for all these months.

Harold wins the race! (I'm so bored)

This is also how I pose for pictures.

After the race, Harold and his coach (played by IAN HOLM) get wasted together.

Then, it's time for Eric's race, the 400m. No one expects Eric to do well because he had been training for the 100m. This American runner gives Eric a note that says he supports Eric's decision not to run the 100m race on Sunday.

Eric runs the whole race with the note in his hand.

And Eric wins!

Eric's sister is proud of him!

Yay, he's a winner!

More about Harold:

More about Eric:

This is what you were waiting for, the theme song! I used to play this on my Casio keyboard all the time.

The other song I knew was "I just called to say 'I love you.'" That qualifies me not only to write this blog, but also to dream of rock star greatness. Carnegie Hall, here I come!

.

Coming Soon

2010-10-11T20:31:00.000-07:00

Radio (2003)

2010-10-09T00:02:00.000-07:00

I cried twice while watching this movie. Once out of sentimentality and once because I was really questioning my life choices and how they led to the moment when I found myself voluntarily watching this movie rather than, you know, drinking champagne on a yacht in the south of France.

It's like the people who made this movie read this blog post and then built a time machine and zapped back to 2003 to make the movie longer and more awful just so I would experience the soul crushing time suck that is Radio.

Radio is the story of James Robert Kennedy, a developmentally challenged (disabled?) man who is befriended by a small town football coach. It's a friendship that changes their lives and the lives of those around them. It's pretty amazing and inspiring story based on a pretty awesome article. This is one of those rare occasions when I'll recommend that you read the source material rather than watch the movie.

Think of this like The Ring. This movie will kill you(r brain).

But, alas...

In the world of inspirational sports movies, an m.lady's work is never done. This isn't the worst inspirational sports movie I've ever seen (Hello, Coach Carter!), but it's pretty painful.

You know what's not painful? Ed Harris.

Nice pants.

Ed Harris plays football coach, Harold Jones. Ed Harris is a good actor and he is good in this movie and this movie, being a very long exercise in endurance, is not his fault.

Nor is it Cuba Gooding Jr's fault. He plays Radio sincerely and, in my humble opinion, without hamming it up for the Academy. (Cuba Gooding Jr, I LOVE YOU!)

Aaaaaannnnnnyyyyywwwwaaaaayyyyy.

This movie has a "plot."

You see, Radio is marginalized by the whole town. He spends his days collecting objects in his grocery cart. He likes to stop by the high school football field and watch the players practice. One day a football goes over the fence and Radio decides to keep it.

These jerk-wad football players decide they need to teach Radio a lesson for stealing their football, so they lock him in a shed.

Which is totally not Even Steven for stealing a football, jerk-wads.

The coach finds out about their Medieval ways and he gets Radio out of the shed.

Coach Jones punishes the players involved with a really long Training Montage O' Consequence for being evil.

Radio attempts to thank the coach by giving him back the football, but the coach is all, "Why don't you just stop by practice tomorrow?"

Meanwhile.

Football!!!

It seems that after every game the menfolk gather at the local barbershop and talk about football and getting to the State Championships again.

**********Side Note**********

Hey! m.lady! Why do they call him Radio?

Because he likes radios.

**********End Side Note**********

Radio starts coming to football practices. He becomes the equipment manager and honorary cheerleader.

As they get to know him, the people in the town grow to love Radio. What's not to love?! He's really nice! And he roots for the team! Even though they locked him in a shed!

But, alas...

Not all people understand that different is sometimes okay. As the team is preparing for an away game, the principal tells Coach Jones that Radio isn't allowed on the bus because he's not a student and you just don't know what could happen.

So the coach informs Radio, during a thunderstorm, that he can't go to the game.

And they leave him at the school, without a ride home, in the rain. Alone.

Radio ends up listening to the entire game on his....radio... and acting out all the plays in a thunderstorm.

This scene is so unbearable. I don't know if it's supposed to be moving, but it felt really gratuitous.

When it comes time for the next game, the team has Radio lead them onto the field. Which totally makes up for the abandonment and potential pneumonia caused by spending several hours in the rain because a ride home is just too much to give.

After the last game of the season, the coach gives Radio the game ball and the whole team is all, "Yay, Radio!" We looooove you!

But, alas...

The barbershop men are all kinds of suspicious about Radio. They think he's a distraction and the reason the team didn't make it to the State Championships.

(See that guy ominously sitting in the barber chair on the left? He's the villain.)

Let's take a moment to recognize that Radio's mom, as played by S. Epatha Merkerson, is really great.

But this guy, from the school board is not awesome.

He's investigating what the heck Radio is doing hanging around all these kids. The coach tries to explain that Radio used to walk around with a grocery cart. He didn't talk and spent his days alone. Now, Radio is playing a part in the community and contributing something to the team. The school board guy is all "Yadda Yadda Yadda, he's weird! Make him go away! Cooties!"

Debra Winger plays the coach's wife. I was all excited when I saw her name in the credits, but like Rachel Griffiths and Patricia Clarkson, she is wasted in the role of inspirational sports coach wife.

This is the coach's daughter. I'm pretty sure she was blond in the first act of the movie. That's how long this movie is. So, so long.

Also, I kind of hate the daughter character because the actress is really annoying on Grey's Anatomy. Not that I watch that show, but, you know, word on the street.

Holiday time!

The coach has arranged for Radio to receive presents from kind townsfolk.

People are good.

Radio decides to distribute the gifts throughout his neighborhood. So nice!

But this new police officer is all, "Where'd you get all that stuff?" And he arrests Radio because he doesn't understand that Radio isn't a criminal.

Some people are mean.

When he takes Radio to the police station, these two guys are all "We got a sandwich for you. Hey, who'd you arrest?"

When they find out that he arrested Radio, they're all, "Here Radio, have that jerk's sandwich. He's such a jerk."

Blah blah blah, minutes of my life I'll never get back again....

Radio becomes a hall monitor at the high school.

He helps out the basket ball team.

He makes the morning announcements.

He's really a part of the school and the town! Heartwarming.

But, alas...

The jerk-wads just won't let go of the fact that they are jerk-wads. They tell Radio that the girl's coach needs him in the girl's locker room.

When Radio goes in and all the girls scream these guys are all "ha ha ha sexual harassment!"

Radio won't rat out the jerk-wads for the locker room incident, but the coach ain't no dummy and he figures out what's what and he lays down the law.

Then, sads.

Radio's mom dies.

Which causes the coach to really take Radio under his wing.

He teaches Radio to write, which is pretty much just a series of loops and scribbles, but it's actually a nice scene. I had tears in my eyes, but I did not cry.

After a short suspension, this jerk-wad returns to the basketball team:

Radio writes Captain Jerk-wad a note and gives him a radio. Kind of a "Sorry I got you in trouble present."

The jerk-wad realizes he was a jerk-wad and he makes up with Radio. Now they're cool.

But, alas...

The villain from the barbershop? He's jerk-wad the former's dad and he's still not cool with Radio hanging around.

He calls a meeting of parents.

At the barbershop.

The coach goes to the meeting and does the obligatory inspirational speech in which he tells us it's not winning or losing or how you played the game but that Radio taught the town more than the town taught Radio and never give up and family is great and then he quits coaching to spend more time with his family.

And every one is like, "Yeah."

And I threw up a little bit because How can you cast Debra Winger and actually TRY to waste her talent?!? Garfklkjlefiajdijfdtr?!

And then the townsfolk are all "Dammit! Our own close-minded prejudice caused us to lose a really awesome football coach! We stink!"

Blah blah blah, this movie is so long. I paused it and went to Walgreens and bough some Gatorade and Cover Girl make-up and when I came home I was like, STILL?!

Radio helps out with graduation:

And everyone hugs everyone. Especially when the principal tells Radio that he can keep coming to school and keep being in the 11th grade as long as he wants to be a student.

26 years later and Radio is still leading the football team onto the field.

And he's still really great friends with Coach Jones.

And he's still helping out with the football, basketball, and track teams.

I really wish someone who didn't hate eyes, brains, Debra Winger, or time could have written/directed this movie because it could have been really good.

But, alas....

Coming Soon

2010-10-07T10:51:00.000-07:00

Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken (1991)

2010-09-29T12:39:00.000-07:00

Things that can be broken: promises, wine glasses, bones, chairs, traffic laws.

Things that can't be broken: WILD HEARTS

SEE?!

Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken is the story of Sonora Webster a woman who jumped on the back of a charging horse just as it was about to leap 60 feet into a muddy pool of water. She did it for 19 years, 11 of those years she was blind. What did you do today? I watched Glee Now I'm on my porch drinking wine. I'd say we're about even.

Sonora lives on a farm, but she dreams of glamor. She carries this picture around because it's INSPIRATIONAL to her:

She also loves horses. This movie was the shit if you were a girl between the ages of 10 and 14 ever.

One day, Sonora sees an add for a horse diving girl.

JACKPOT.

It just so happens that the very day Sonora sees the ad, her aunt tells her she's kicking her out (Sonora's parents died so her aunt is taking care of Sonora and Sonora's little sister). Sonora is so much trouble that her aunt just can't handle her anymore! What with her cutting her own hair and her independence and whatnot.

So, Sonora runs away to join the horse jumping show where these two are the stars:

Because Sonora is pretty much the opposite of glamor, the boss, Doc Carter (the guy in the awesome hat and jacket pictured above) hires her on as a stable hand.

But Doc Carter's son, Al, takes a liking to Sonora and secretly helps her train to become a diving girl.

Sonora and Al bond. I mean, can you blame her? Look at Al. He's Jake Ryan!

And he's also that guy from Mermaids!

And he quit the movie biz to be create handcrafted furniture. Swoon.

In an attempt to add glamor to her life, Sonora gives herself a make over.

This is what I look like after a night of Franzia and Australia's Next Top Model inspired makeup experiments.

Blah blah blah, tension and people not believing in her, Sonora finally manages to jump on a moving horse!

Yay!

But all is not good in Doc Carver's traveling show. Al and his dad don't get along. So Al sets out to see the world. He promises to write to Sonora every day. Now that they sometimes do the kissing and the googly eyes and the hand holding.

Al does write every day, but Doc Carver intercepts the letters and burns them.

One day, the main diving girl has a training accident and hurts her shoulder, so Doc Carver is forced to let Sonora dive. Everyone is freaking out! Can she do it?! She's so small! What if she gets hurt! Oh dear!

But, this is the story of dreams and determination! You know what happens!

Sonora totally does great!

And Doc Carver (as portrayed by Academy Award winning actor Cliff Robertson) is totally happy about it!

Everything is great!

Or not

There's a big depression going on and the whole country is really hurting. Bad.

Al, on his journeys, finds a poster of Sonora on a wall and sees that her dreams have come true. Almost.

He's even carrying her inspiration picture around with him. Al gets an idea and meets with a guy in Atlantic City about bringing the horse diving show to the entertainment capital of New Jersey.

Then Al returns to Doc Carver's horse ranch:

Helloooo Al, mind if I call you Al?

He also makes up with his dad when tells them that he arranged for the horse diving show to have a semi-permanent home in Atlantic City.

Why is it that in these Inspirational Sports Movies, so many parents only accept and love their children after they bring the $$$?

On the way to Atlantic City, the group stops for lunch and Doc Carver takes a nap

And he never wakes up.

And everyone is sad.

Until:

ATLANTIC CITY! Everyone is happy!

Right before the first dive of their new awesome life in the glamorous big time, Al proposes to Sonora.

Nothing can go wrong now!

It's the big show! The excitement is electric! But, alas, as the horse is about to dive from the big, giant ramp into the little pool of water, some jerk-wad in the band hits the cymbals, which spooks the horse and the dive goes awry:

Yikes.

A few days later, a doctor informs Sonora that she is permanently blind because she hit the water with her eyes open which detached her retinas. (Side note: by day, I work in an optical shop. Once, a woman came in for a routine eye exam and the doctor discovered that her retinas were thisclose to detaching and had to send her IMMEDIATELY to the emergency room. Let that be a lesson to ya: get your eyes checked regularly.)

The owner of the boardwalk threatens Al, if he doesn't find another diving girl, the show will be cancelled!

Al brings Marie, the previous diving girl back to the show. Marie had quit because she was so pissed that they brought Sonora into the show. Now that she's back, she's all about gloating and making Sonora feel like shit.

Sonora won't have any of it. She's determined to jump horses again. She does lots of training in the rain.

There's also a scene that's real sexy-times between Sonora and her horse. She's running her hands along the horse's back in a dark barn only illuminated by moonlight. Maybe a little too "A woman and her horse" if you know what I mean.

So, anyway, Al helps her train to ride horses again.

But the training isn't going well. Sonora keeps falling and there's a whole training montage of her falling over and over and over.

But, you see, Sonora has never let other people doubting her get in her way. She realizes that it's the sound of the hooves and the rattle of the ramp that will tell her when to grab on to the horse for the jump. Something you just can't mimic with traditional training.

So she hatches a plan. Along with the new stable hand, she continues to train and, right before the big show, he locks Marie in her training room and sets Sonora's favorite horse loose.

The horse runs up the ramp and Sonora listens while Al and the Atlantic City boss guy are flipping out because they are convinced that the 100+ fans are going to see a girl die.

Eep!

Sonora makes the grab:

And executes a perfect dive!

YAY!

Awwww.

Apparently, the real Sonora was all, it wasn't that hard to start diving again, duh. She hated the movie.

But in the world of Inspirational Sports Movies, and Disney movies, and girls who love their horses, this movie is pretty dang awesome. I mean, she dove horses blind! That's wild! And she lived to be 99! And, it seems, she was a pretty kick ass lady!

Coming Soon

2010-09-22T11:09:00.000-07:00

Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken

The Express: The Ernie Davis Story

2010-09-12T15:43:00.000-07:00

If I was a football player, my nickname would probably be "floor mat" or "potato sack" or "pancake." But Ernie Davis was a naturally talented, insanely fast, quick-thinking, football superstar who inspired a whole lotta people, so he got the nickname:

Which is sooooo much better than "Tomato Face"

The Express: The Ernie Davis Story is about Ernie Davis (duh) a small town kid who had a great natural talent as a running back.

We first see this when Ernie and his uncle (who's pretty much the same age as Ernie) are collecting bottles by the train tracks near their house in Pennsylvania.

They run into a group of white boys who don't like that Ernie and his uncle have ventured a little too far from home for their liking.

Ernie's uncle takes off and jumps the train, leaving his bag of bottles behind.

This kid was BORN to play the role of the asshole child. He's probably a philanthropist now.

So Ernie outruns the band of wicked children by leaping over fences and running really really fast. Meanwhile, his uncle is walking home, freaking out that Ernie has probably been kicked to death, when who comes running down the street, but Ernie Davis. That is when we find out that Ernie is an exceptional little dude.

Ernie is also really inspired by Jackie Robinson because duh, Inspirational Sports LIFE.

Ernie lives with his grandpa and they have a big supportive family. Ernie has a stutter and they still ask him to read out loud at the kitchen table and they support him as he stutters his way through the text.

One day, Ernie's mom comes home and announces that she's gotten married to a really nice guy who wants to take care of Ernie and support him, which is good news. But also, she's going to take Ernie and move to Elmira, New York which is pretty far away from Pennsylvania and Ernie's uncle and Grandpa (as played by Charles S. Dutton aka ROC).

Ernie moves to Elmira and discovers football. From his first game all the way through high school, it was obvious that Ernie had a special talent for football and running.

So, by the time he's a senior in college, all the big football schools want him to play for them. They all visit and watch him play and try to woo him into joining the team.

Meanwhile, Jim Brown, star running back for the Syracuse University football team, is about to graduate and has signed with the Cleveland Browns. At a press conference he makes sure to mention that although he was All-American and broke pretty much every school record in rushing, he didn't win the Heisman.

The actor they chose to play Jim Brown is very easy on the eyes.

Not that Jim Brown himself was anything less than a magical creature in short shorts:

Heeeeeeyyyyy, those are some quads.

So Dennis Quaid is the coach of the Syracuse football team and I'll say it now Dennis Quaid should ONLY be in inspirational sports movies (as evidenced by his appearance in "Our Winning Season," "Breaking Away," "The Rookie" and, apparently in development, "Soul Surfer"). I hereby name Dennis Quaid to m.lady's Inspirational Sports Movie Hall of Fame where he joins Robbie Benson and Anthony Mackie:

Soooo, anyway...

Jim Brown and the coach don't get along so well. Jim finds out that the coach is trying to recruit a new running back and Jim is all, "You know, it was really hard being here what with the rampant racism and all."

But, the coach convinces Jim to help him recruit Ernie because he tells Jim that Ernie Davis has the potential to be as good as Jim is, if not better.

Jim has a heart to heart where he tells Ernie that it won't be easy, but that the Coach will make Ernie the best player he has the potential to be and before you know it, Ernie is on the Syracuse University campus.

TRAINING MONTAGE

This guy is the mandatory racist teammate who will one day learn the error of his ways and appreciate Ernie for the man that he is.

Ernie pretty much immediately becomes a star on the team. His family gathers around the radio to listen to his games and they get really excited when the announcer says Ernie's name.

FOOTBALL WOW

During a break from school, Ernie goes to visit his uncle, who is played by an actor you may recognize.

Ernie's uncle helps him to realize that just by playing football as well as he does, he is inspiring people. Because it's 1959-ish and, in case you can't see the pictures, Ernie Davis is black. And, even in upstate New York which is pretty far North, he still has a lot of struggles with racist assholes and politics.

His uncle helps Ernie to see that, like his hero Jackie Robinson, Ernie can make a difference by being one person who is extraordinary.

Then, sads, Ernie's extremely supportive and kind grandfather dies

And Ernie finds that he's been collecting all the newspaper clippings he could find about Ernie.

Weighed down by grief, Ernie kind of loses it and trains all day and all night.

Ernie kind of reaches a breaking point. He realizes that he is not playing football just for himself. But he is part of a team and he is also showing all those little kids out there who don't think that they matter that they can make a difference and they can make a name for themselves and this is where the viewer begins to CRY.

So, they're playing a big game in West Virginia, I think, and the fans are so angry that black players are on the field that they're yelling and booing and throwing garbage on the field for the whole game. The coach, concerned for the safety of the players, keeps pulling Ernie right before the team scores a touchdown because he thinks that the crowd will riot. Well, Ernie isn't having any of it and he refuses to let the coach substitute him.

The team eventually makes it to the Cotton Bowl where they are playing for the big Championship or something. College football is really confusing.

The game is intense. There was a big fight and both teams ran onto the field and engaged in fisticuffs.

But Syracuse came out on top and Ernie was named the MVP!

And then he was nominated for the Heisman Trophy.

And he WON! You see, he was the first black athlete to be awarded the Heisman Trophy.

And he got to meet JFK! Ernie Davis was on top of the world!

But alas,

All was not right inside his body.

Something was going on with Ernie, he was tired, breathing was hard, he had nosebleeds. The doctors weren't sure what was wrong, but they knew it was something. So the owner of the Cleveland Browns (where Ernie was the #1 Draft pick) tells Ernie that he can't play until they figure out what's wrong with him.

Ernie is devastated.

Then the official announcement.

Ernie Davis had Leukemia. He tells the press that his doctors are optimistic and he is confident he will play for the Cleveland Browns in the future.

Just like he did with Jim Brown, the coach asks Ernie to help him recruit a promising young running back.

On the recruiting trip, Ernie tells the kid that he knows he will never play pro football. Ernie tells this kid what he hasn't told anyone else: He knows he's dying.

In the first game of his first NFL season, Ernie runs on to the field with his team, which was a surprise to everyone in the crowd. They cheer like crazy!

God this movie is a heartbreaker.

But it's an inspirational heartbreaker.

.

.

Sorry for the delay

2010-09-10T16:41:00.000-07:00

I know.

It's been something like a year and three months since my last post promising a summary of "The Express: The Ernie Davis Story." I do apologize.

It's tough, you know, watching such an inspiring and heartbreaking movie. Saving the screen captures and then uploading them to a blogger page only to log back in to that blogger page the next day to see that the 34 images are gone and so, the uploading needs to start all over again.

That's my excuse.

That and I got into a elbows and fists fight in a fancy dress in Iowa City last weekend and I'm still recovering.

I will have an "Express" recap so, so help me G-O-D and also, a couple more movies to quickly follow so we can all catch this wonderful bus we call Inspiration before it drives away and leaves us confused and sweaty at the side of the road, choosing between a walk through construction or a walk under a busy highway where sometimes mysterious slimy stuff drips on pedestrians. PREACH.

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Coming Soon

2010-08-26T06:29:00.000-07:00

White Men Can't Jump (1992)

2010-08-18T17:46:00.000-07:00

Ah, but, you see, they can. They can jump.

This movie has a lot of Spandex in it.

There are also a lot of baseball and biking(?) caps and a lot is made of which way they are turned:

White Men Can't Jump is the story of Billy Hoyle, a white man who aspires to jump. Billy is a basketball hustler. What he does is he shows up at basketball games in parks and acts like he's some doofus who's all goofy over this wacky game!

He then convinces the players to challenge him to a little game of HORSE and he always wins because the other player thinks there's no way in the world this dweeb could play basketball.

This is when Sidney realizes he's getting hustled by Billy (Woody Harrelson), which, by the way, I just watched Zombieland and his character isn't as awesome as the preview makes him out to be.

Billy's girlfriend is Gloria as played by the ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE Rosie Perez.

Throughout the movie, Gloria is studying for Jeopardy. There's a lot made of them waiting for Jeopardy to call. Which doesn't seem to likely as they're running from the mob and they're in a new hotel every night.

Sidney (as played by Wesley Snipes) decides to team-up with Billy and do a team hustle. Which is this: Sidney shows up and challenges someone to choose anyone on the court to be his partner in a game of 2 on 2, of course the guys choose Billy (because, hello! look at his stupid hat!)

But we, the audience know, that Billy is a really good player.

So, there's a scene where Billy and Sidney arrange to play this guy:

And he says the money is in his car, so he goes to his car and, at this point I got really emotional!!! Because this guy, the look on his face says he knows he's doing something stupid, but there's also this naivete that he's so sure he's going to win. But we, the audience, we know he won't win! It's like when you're watching your sleeping cat and they're about to roll off the couch and there's nothing you can do and they look so happy, but from the kitchen you can see they're going to go BOOM in about three seconds.

BOOM! There wasn't money in his car, there was a gun and a ski mask.

Don't do it, man! They're hustling you!

Every day I'm hustlin'. Every day I'm hustlin'. Every day I'm- Every day I'm- Every day I'm hustlin'.

These guys are the reason Billy is a hustler. He owes the $7000 and if he doesn't pay, they're gonna kill him!

So, one day he's hustlin' with Sidney and, for some reason, Sidney's game just isn't working. His defense is real bad and Billy and Sidney end up losing $1300 when they were supposed to win $700.

Billy goes home to tell Gloria what happened and she's all "duh, you were hustled."

So Billy and Gloria go to Sidney's apartment and there they find the guys they had tried to hustle earlier hanging out and watching cable TV. Gloria is PISSED. She arranges, along with Sidney's wife. To split the money that was lost in the hustle. Also, Sidney and Billy have to enter a 2 on 2 basketball tournament with a grand prize of $10,000.

That's a fancy trophy.

Billy is trash talking Dwayne Wayne. He'd better step off because, after Theodore Huxtable, Dwayne Wayne is totally my soul mate.

Billy and Sidney make it to the FINAL!

And the play is pretty darn awesome.

And they WIN!!!!

But, Billy being Billy, on the way home from the tournament, loses most of his winnings to Sidney when they bet over whether or not Billy can dunk. Billy cannot dunk. He is a White Man who cannot jump and it costs him nearly $5000.

He buys a dress to try to distract Gloria from the lost money. He bought the dress for her to wear on Jeopardy because earlier she told him she would need a dress to wear when they call her to be on the show. Billy buys Gloria a dress that would totally look at home on the prostitute version of Pretty Woman.

Gloria is none too happy that Billy lost the money and bought her a slutty dress for Jeopardy so she leaves him.

Then, the bad guys catch up with Billy and threaten to kill him. He promises to get them the money in a week and they give him one last chance, after showing him a photo album of all the people they've killed due to unpaid debts.

Billy goes to Sidney and asks for help. He says he needs to get Gloria back and Sidney is all "Oh, BROTHER."

Then, this happens!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"What is a quince."

Best scene of the movie.

After the show, Billy woos Gloria back with a song about water and screwing.

One day, Billy and Gloria are exercising in the park and planning their future together when Sidney appears.

He wants Billy to help him. You see, Sidney was robbed and he needs to get some money because his wife is way done with their neighborhood and she wants to move, STAT.

Sidney found out that there's a game against two of the legends of 2 on 2. There's only a $2500 ante to join the game, which means they could win $5000 or something. Gloria just gave Billy $2000 of her winnings to buy a suit and get a job.

When Gloria overhears Billy talking about using her money to bet in a game she realizes things are over between them. Gloria is moving up in the world and Billy is still the same old Billy.

Oh Rosie, it's so hard to say goodbye.

So, Billy and Sidney play the game with Gloria's money.

And things aren't looking good.

But then, they start to work as a team and things start clicking and something amazing happens:

Billy, a white man, JUMPS!

And they wiiiinnnnnn!!!!!!

The bad guys get their money from Billy and, as they get into the van, we are treated to a view of their leopard-lined van.

And then, Billy and Sidney walk off into the sunset together.

For those who dont' think that White Men Can't Jump is an inspirational sports movie, I'd like to say this:

Or whatever. The name of the movie is something that Billy attempts to overcome the whole time. He loses the love of his life, yes. But he gains the ability to jump and that's what counts.

I think we've all learned a very important lesson in life, love, and basketball.

And finances, never bet with your girlfriend's money that she gave you so you could find a job.

Bad idea.

Coming Soon

2010-08-10T22:58:00.001-07:00

Running Brave (1983)

2010-08-03T20:32:00.000-07:00

You know that scene in the Shawshank Redemption where Andy has to crawl through a 500 yards of shit to get to freedom?

This movie isn't quite that bad, but there is a lot of crap to deal with before arriving at one of the best (EVER) final races in any inspirational sports movie. Trust.

How nice is it to see Robby Benson again? Heeeey Robby.

Running Brave is about Billy Mills, a young man who is half Sioux and lives on a reservation in South Dakota. His high school track coach gets a college coach to see him run. He's real good, so the coach offers him a scholarship to college.

His family is really supportive (at first) and they believe that he will be The One to leave the reservation and succeed. You see, young men have left the reservation before, but many have returned within months because the outside world is just too much.

Billy's uncle gives him a drawing as a going away present. Billy loves his uncle and his uncle is really kind to Billy.

But, his uncle has troubles. This here is his return from prison. It turns out his uncle is an alcoholic and is pretty depressed. Life is tough for him. He doesn't really fit in anywhere and, even though he's a really talented artist, he doesn't know how to make anything happen with his art.

So, Billy goes to college and, holy shit, the campus is HUGE.

But, there's a silver lining. He's there to run and he LOVES to run!

This guy.

This guy thinks it would be HI-LARIOUS to make fun of the fact that Billy is Sioux. Ha ha, Joe McDouche.

Billy walks to his dorm room.

Well, lookee who his roommate is. It's Joe McDouche!

Joe quickly has a change of heart and tells Billy that they should put their shit behind them since they're going to be roommates.

There's a wild scene/flashback where we see Billy's dad box a giant in a fur onesie. Billy's dad wins and you can tell he's Billy's hero and then Billy's dad has a heart attack and he dies.

And it's super super sad.

Back to present-day where, at a fancy party, Billy meets Pat.

Pat is awesome! We love Pat!

Ha. Joe is such a tool/hilarious guy.

Training montage!

One day, the coach puts this news clipping on the wall. It's an article about Ron Clarke, probably the best long distance runner of the 20th century. The coach says, "This is what happens with a little talent and a lot of hard work." That's really inspiring. Write it in your journal.

Billy tries to join a frat where all the track guys go/join, but they kick him out because he's not white. Assholes.

Then Billy and his roommate (who I think also left the frat party because they wouldn't let Billy join) bond over their shared loss of their parents at a young age. It turns out Joe McDouche isn't such a jerk after all!

So, skip forward and Billy has done what he came to do, he made his crew a championship team.

But, he's starting to have doubts....

The school won the championship, but Billy is feeling like he's just a running machine. He's just there to give the school what they want and no one cares what HE wants. He used to love to run, but now, there's no joy in running. So he drops out of school. Maybe? Or he just quits the team. It's not really clear.

He returns to the reservation. And, seriously, your heart breaks.

This scene is MAD COOL.

One day, Billy comes home (he's living with his kind uncle) to find a telegram from Pat, who is now his girlfriend (sort of, because he dropped out, maybe). She tells him that she loves him and misses him and she wants him to come back.

Billy goes inside to tell his uncle the good news and---

GOD DAMMIT! Billy discovers his uncle has killed himself.

So, Billy joins the army or the marines. Whatever. Uniforms.

And with the help of Pat the Awesome, who is now his wife...

He independently trains for the Olympics.

And, being a guy who trains alone on his spare time from being in the army, he makes it to the Olympics.

And he makes it to the final for the 10000 meters. In the locker room, he makes eye contact with Ron Clarke. Yes, that Ron Clarke. Of the newspaper clipping his coach posted in the locker room in college. That Ron Clarke of the world records and best runner in the world status. Also, Ron Clarke is super cute.

Plus, here's the thing, I Googled the actor who plays Ron Clarke and couldn't find any other credits so I have a theory. I think RON CLARKE plays Ron Clarke in the movie. Check it out:

I KNOW, RIGHT!?

Here begins the most awesome 17 minutes in the movie. Seriously, this race makes the whole movie worth it. The so-so acting. The kinda weird plot development. The emotion fuckery. It's all worth it for these racing minutes.

His college coach flew all the way to Japan to watch the race! It's really cute. He's so nervous, he can't watch the race! He's pacing in and out of the stadium, it's pretty great. Take my word for it. It's nifty.

VICTORY!

Pretty much one of the greatest upsets in Olympic history. A guy out of almost nowhere wins the gold. And, keep in mind, he wasn't running against a weak crowd. He was running against world record holder, RON CLARKE.

He returns to Kansas and they're having a big party for him!

And Joe is there with a copy of LIFE magazine and Billy is on the cover!

This movie. It almost makes you forget the first 90 minutes kind of sucked.

I fondly recall this movie as being the birth of my love for the inspirational sports movie and, let me tell you, that last race. Well, it didn't disappoint. Running Brave. It's no Mighty Ducks and that's a good thing.

PS: To get a little more inspirational on your ass, shortly after making this movie (less than a year, I think) Robbie Benson had heart surgery because he's had a heart condition his whole life. Yeah, a heart condition and he played a long distance runner in the movie and you can tell he's doing a lot of the running. What did you do today?

Finally, check it out, Billy and Pat are still hitched and they're still awesome.

PPS: Become his fan on facebook!

Coming Soon

2010-07-29T11:45:00.000-07:00

Lucas (1986)

2010-07-23T11:41:00.000-07:00

Lucas is a movie about an insect-obsessed kid who decides to go out for the football team. He gets to play, not because of his spirit or his talent, but because he is annoying and when he does get on that field, he totally fucks it up. So how in the world is this an Inspirational Sports Movie?

Because it has one of the greatest slow clap scenes..... ever.

Lucas is a 14 year-old who is quite the outcast. He's obsessed with bugs and he's intelligent beyond his years.

One day, Lucas meets Maggie. She's new to town and doesn't know anyone. It's still Summer break so she hasn't made any new friends yet. Soon, Lucas and Maggie become bffs!

Lucas educates Maggie about Locusts and how magical they are.

Friendship montage!

Lucas and Maggie spend every afternoon of the summer together and it's really nice and sweet.

First day of school! Yikes!

At the first day of school assembly, one of the football players drags Lucas on stage and he gets laughed at by the entire school. This particular football player is a real jerk to Lucas, always threatening to kick his ass and such.

But there is one guy on the football team who is nice to Lucas. That guy is Cappy (as played by a very young Charlie Sheen):

Don't do drugs.

After the assembly, Maggie goes outside to comfort Lucas and you see just how kind and supportive they are to each other (fyi: shit's about to hit the fan).

One day, Cappy is giving Lucas and Maggie a ride home from the movies, when they have to pull over because they've driven through a cloud of Locusts. While Lucas is working his "This bug is magical" schtick on the other kids, Cappy and Maggie get to talking and, uh oh, they seem to like each other...

Cappy's girlfriend (as played by Courtney Thorne Smith) is hip to the vibe between Cappy and Maggie. So she invites Maggie and Lucas to double date with them to the big dance. I think because she wants to ensure that Maggie goes as Lucas's date and stops moving in on her man.

So Lucas is super excited to be going on a date with Maggie because, duh, he likes her.

But when he gets there, he finds that Cappy has broken up with his girlfriend and he and Maggie are going to get pizza instead of going to the dance. Lucas is CRUSHED. Because these two are his friends and they've just ditched him so they can go hook up a few hours after Cappy has broken up with his lady.

These two: so not self-absorbed.

You know, I'm not saying they have to put aside their feelings for each other just because one person may not want them to be together, but that's some pretty shitty friendship right there. I mean, you couldn't wait a day or two? A few hours? You had to let Lucas bike away in his tuxedo like that?

Then! This guy bursts into the band room and says "It's Lucas! Suicide!"

And everyone's all "WHAT?!"

And he says, "He's trying out for the football team!"

He's so cute and little!

Jeremy Piven is in this movie too and the whole time he's a football jock and I'm pretty sure in every scene his mouth is hanging open and he's all "Uuuuuuuggh! Aahhhhhh, fooooottballlll!!!"

The principal is worried about Lucas's safety. He's decided to prohibit Lucas from playing football.

So, Lucas is pretty depressed. Two of his friends got together to break his heart and his attempt at making something new happen in his own life has been shot down. Maggie tries to, not apologize, but to explain to Lucas that he was important to her, but she needed more than one friend in this new town. Lucas is like, I get it, but that doesn't mean you had to be a jerk about it.

So it's the first game of the season and the opposing team's cheerleaders are quite.... salacious.

And the home team's cheerleaders are like,"sluts."

I love this little scene. Cappy's ex is giving Maggie some serious side-eye.

Lucas decides to suit up for the game and tells the coach to let him in. They get into a fight and Lucas calls the coach all kinds of names so, just to get him to stop being so annoying, the coach puts Lucas in the game.

Lucas goes on the field and everyone laughs and laughs and laughs at him.

Oh, Winona Ryder is also in this movie. Her character has a big crush on Lucas. She's known him for a really long time and she knows some information about Lucas that Maggie and Cappy don't know.

So, then, the big play. Lucas is the only one open and Cappy lets loose a Hail Mary pass.

For some reason, Lucas takes his helmet off, to see better, I guess?

But he catches the ball!

And then he drops it.

And the other team gets the ball.

But Lucas wants to show his strength and he makes a heroic play.

That results in major injury.

Maggie and Cappy and Winona Ryder drive to Lucas's house to tell his parents what happened.

Maggie and Cappy think this is where Lucas lives (because he told them that).

But Winona corrects them and shows them that this is where Lucas really lives. She tells them that his mom isn't around and his dad is an alcoholic. All information Lucas never shared.

So, everyone's lying to everyone. To be honest, that's one thing I like about this movie. It doesn't portray these teenagers as role models. They're fucked up just like teenagers should be.

At the hospital, everyone is waiting to support Lucas.

Eventually, just Lucas's closest friends are waiting. See, even though the movie focuses on Lucas's friendship with Maggie, he does have a nice crew of friends who love and support him.

Maggie and Lucas have heart-to-heart at the hospital. I couldn't understand a word they said because they were whispering the entire time and even with my face on the speaker I couldn't hear a word.

Lucas returns to school and sees the three guys from the football team who were the most abusive to him waiting by his locker.

They watch him as he opens the lock...

And finds a letter jacket inside!

And then, as it should be, the guy who was the meanest to poor Lucas starts the slow clap...

And Winona joins in...

And more people join in the applause...

Including Ken and Barbie...

Ahh, Lucas, I love ya.

Coming Soon

2010-07-21T22:49:00.000-07:00